There’s a well-known stereotype, propagated by Hollywood, of the abusive, alcoholic husband/father. The fact is, any family member can become addicted to alcohol or drugs or tobacco. No problem. For most of us, if we do something three times it becomes a habit that quickly becomes an addiction.

The Impact of the Alcoholic
The extent of the emotional and psychic damage visited upon a family varies with the seriousness and extent of the problem. But, let there be no doubt, the impact is not a good one.

First, it’s stressful living with an alcoholic. As a family member, you never know when the abuser is going to fly into a rage or engage in incoherent babble. The alcoholic is the 800-pound gorilla at the table and all diners know it.

Second, living with an alcoholic is sad. The drug removes the victim from the rest of the family. How often does the drinker come home from a rough day at the office and head straight to bed. In many ways, the alcoholic becomes unapproachable. In fact, in the worst cases, this once-beloved family member is to be avoided.

Finally, there’s the financial and quality of life questions. That alcoholic is NOT going to progress up the promotion ladder at work. It’s hard, if not impossible, to hide a severe alcohol addiction no matter how many mints you suck on. That’s going to limit the family’s quality of life. Fewer vacations (if any), smaller house, no money for college. You could make a list. A long one.

Enablers – The House Is Full of Them!
Those living with an alcoholic enable that drinker to keep up his or her addiction. Often, they purchase the alcohol (a case of vodka), they allow the alcoholic to get away with unacceptable social behavior, the turn a blind eye to physical or sexual abuse. No one wants to be the one to step in, take a stand and say “Enough!”

Look, this isn’t about the limitations of enablers. Most are just trying to keep a bad situation from blowing all out of proportion. They’re victims, just as much as the alcoholic is. And as victims, the members of the family living with an alcoholic have some options.

Physical and Sexual Abuse
There are no options here except “Get out of the house.” If there are signs, suggestions or downright accusations (throw in first-hand experience, too), you must leave the house. Substance abuse use increases and along with it, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. If the situation is intolerable and you and the other members of the family are in danger, you must move to a safe place. Even a battered women’s refuge.
Assess Your Situation
1. How bad is the problem? If the alcoholic drives, drives the family, is abusive or threatening, seek immediate help. Don’t put your family in danger.

2. You are helpless. You can not fix the problem no matter how many “talks” you have and how many promises are made. It’s a problem in your life but it’s not your problem.

3. It’s the alcoholic’s problem and no matter how much you plead, cajole, nag or threaten, the only one who can fix the problem is the victim and the source of the family’s heartache.

4. Don’t go it alone. There are numerous support groups for those who live with alcoholism everyday. By simply sharing your pain with those who immediately sympathize is very comforting. It’s also reassuring to know that this is not your fault. It’s something you need to hear often.

Help Yourself
You may not be able to change the behavior of the alcoholic but you sure as heck can change your attitudes about this family member.

Programs and support groups like AlAnon, for spouses of alcoholics, and Al-a-Teen, for children of alcoholics, do tremendous good in helping these individuals recognize the source of the problem (it’s not you), provide coping mechanisms and tactics (go to the mall if things get unpleasant) and teach how to stop enabling.

To stop enabling takes courage and the recognition by all parties that there’s a problem that’s gotten out of hand. And interestingly enough, once other family members begin seeking counsel, the alcoholic comes to the realization that his or her behavior has a negative impact on loved ones and often seeks treatment, as well.

Alcoholism is on the rise. Kids, younger and younger, are having their first experience with alcohol. It’s easy to get (even for 5th graders) and it’s a gate way drug. Kids who drink alcohol early are more likely to experiment and use other drugs shortly.

There is no “cure” for alcoholism and, indeed, it is a disease. However, you and the members of your family can take steps to lessen the impact the alcoholic family member has on your quality of life.